Que Sera Sera.....

My Grandma passed away yesterday and it hurt my heart so bad, I have written a poem to read at her Funeral and it helped. I will post it after the Funeral takes place.

It all started when i was 18, i met a boy and thought i was madly deeply in love with him. When he was drunk and treated me badly, i chose to forgive and forget, or was it a case of i thought he was acting that way because he really loved me. I was under his spell and no matter how many time he was rude or mean or aggressive to me, my friends, my family everytime he came back to me telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me and would change i believed him and took him back.

This was how i thought every relationship was, this was my ‘normality’ and my safe place…to end the relationship and be all alone was too scary, i’d have a drink and be out with friends and get the jealous controlling text messages asking who i was with or had anyone tried to chat me up and what time would i be home. I thought this was because he loved me……how wrong was I.

I once ended the relationship at New Year deciding id had enough of his controlling ways and he got violent and smashed a friends wall…..still the following day he convinced me it was all my fault and we should be together…back to square one. I remember him telling me that when we had our photo taken together i didnt smile properly…like it was a forced smile….who knew that the feelings buried deep down that i wasnt truely happy would show in my inability to smile a happy smile in a photo.

On February 22nd 2011 he arrived at my house and ‘ended’ our relationship out of the blue after HIM telling me that he had wanted to get engaged and move in together. He decided that our relationship wasnt what he wanted and he hadnt been happy for a while, in response to this the first thing that came out of my mouth was ’what about our holiday?’ which was in 3 weeks time too egypt, too which he responded ‘you can have the holiday, take a friend’. If he expected a big show of please dont do this too me i cant live without you well then he was in a for a big suprise, i walked away from him in his crappy little car and into my house where i cried, but not for him, i cried because of the fact i had been told that day my dog of 14 had a brain tumor and who had been having fits for a couple of weeks was needing to be put to sleep. I cried because it felt like i was losing a brother. 

My lack off feelings over his bombshell clarified that the relationship had been ‘over’ in my heart for a long time before that day. The following day February 23rd 2011 my Tino was put too sleep and my mum and me were with him throughout the whole procedure and my heart hurt so bad for the loss of him it was unbareable, however i didnt once grieve over the loss of my relationship, infact as time went one and i had found a friend to join me on the holiday to egypt my grief slightly lessened from the loss of tino, however my heart and my head rejoyed at my new found freedom from my obbsessive and controlled relationship, my friend seen me return to the happy bubbly outgoing person i had been before my relationship with that boy.  

I had the most amazing holiday and laughed the most i had in a very long while and i found myself again, i knew who i was and what i wanted from life and i wasnt afraid of doing anything wrong or upsetting that boy. I applied to work at a camp in america and kept my fingers crossed that i would be placed and have an amazing adventure. I felt like my life had been on hold for nearly 4 years and it was finally time to start living it again….for me!!!!

That boy only ever messaged me again once…1 whole week after Tino had gone, to say that i would always hold a special place in his heart and how sad he was he would never hold me again….

I dont feel bitterness or upset or hurt or malice towards the boy…I feel nothing but thankful that he ended it, because the state of mind i was in…I didnt have the courage to end it. I have been asked by friends what I would do if i ever saw him again, my answer to those has been, shake his hands and thank him for doing what he did because i was no longer in love with him and he gave me the opportunity to live my life too the fullest it could be and find real LOVE!!!!